Seeing a little more clearly

Last night as I was driving home I was thinking about events in my life, some recent, some not so recent. I thought about words spoken, and the words that aren't. I thought about the actions of those in my life and the contradiction to the words they speak. I let drift through my mind all the things that I questioned quietly. I let run through my mind all the things I already know. I mixed it with the things I shouldn't know but do. and finally, somewhere halfway home I came to a conclusion. I realized something that maybe I hadn't already realized. Something I had over looked, something I maybe chose to ignore. I saw the truth. Beneath all the other things, I saw it for what it was. The undeniable truth. Now I wasn't shocked, or surprised. I think I kind of already knew. I think it was there all along waiting for me to discover it. I am quite certain I just tried to look away, to not see it. but when it is staring you in the face you have no choice but to take notice and see it for what it is. The rest of the trip home I tried to decide what to do with it. I tried to decide how I would let it affect me. Would it change my out look on this journey? I believed it would. Would it change the bus ride I had embarked upon? I think it already had. Today would be a testament to that. I would not have been open to today had something not changed within me. So how will it set my path? How will it determine my steps? I can not answer that question. I do not know for sure. I only know that the more my eyes are opened, the more clearly I see.

History Starts Now

Today was an interesting day, I saw new life and a life that never had a chance. When I got into the truck, the song above was playing, and it got me to thinking, what kind of world do I want? Life is so short, life is so precious, we have no idea when it will be gone. I look around and I wonder if where I am is exactly where I should be. Shouldn't I be making some grand plans, or embarking on the rest of my life. Why am I just trying to figure things out? Why am I stuck in the what should I do now mode? The what kind of world do you want? Why am I asking myself this question? Asking and not doing.

So lets think about it, what kind of world do I want? If I could think anything, have anything what would it be? Would it be to have an endless supply of money? Would it be to travel the world? Would it be to have a mansion and fancy cars? What would it be? If I could imagine anything what would I imagine?

I don't think it would be any of those. I think if I were going to truly be honest with myself, and with what kind of world I wanted I would have to admit that being with just me isn't all it's cracked up to be, and I know that I would rather be just me than to be with someone I wasn't happy with. But I think if I were going to imagine my world, it would be a world filled with someone who knew me, who understood what I needed, but could meet those needs, someone who could bring laughter to my world, who could accept me for the random thinking person I am, and most important of all someone who could not only love me, but let me love them in return. Unconditionally, without a doubt and forever.

Is all that asking too much? Is all that a world that can't exist? Is all that just some fantasy world that is just beyond my reach?Should I be careful of what I ask for? If I am building my own masterpiece, then why not? Why can't I have exactly what I wish for? History starts now.....

Don't you just want to find someone
that feels this way about you.....


You cool your bed-warm hands
down on the broken radiator,
And when you lay them freezing on me,
I mumble "can you wake me later?"
But I don't really want you to stop
and you know it so it doesn't stop you
And run your hands from my neck to my chest

Crack the shutters open wide,
I wanna bathe you in the light of day
And just watch you as the rays
tangle up around your face and body
I could sit for hours finding new
ways to be awed each minute
Cuz' the daylight seems to want you
just as much as I want you

It's been minutes, it's been days,
it's been all I will remember
Happy lost in your hair
and the cold side of the pillow
Your hills and valleys are
 mapped by my intrepid fingers
And in a naked slumber,
 I dream all this again

Crack the shutters open wide,
I wanna bathe you in the light of day
And just watch you as the rays
tangle up around your face and body
I could sit for hours finding
new ways to be awed each minute
Cuz' the daylight seems to want you
 just as much as I want you

just a little rambling

Today is the perfect day to have a sundae on a Sunday. Sometimes a day like today needs to have a little vanilla ice cream and a bit of hot fudge. I am sitting, wasting time while waiting for my keep to have practice. I didn't see the point of going home after work only to have to return, so here I sit, relaxing, enjoying a little sweet treat!

I am pretty tired today, and I have a terrible headache. it has been a busy weekend, but an enjoyable one. Non stop from Friday to tonight. I did make it up to see Marcos last night. We had a good time, I left kind of early as I wanted to drive home. I was falling asleep almost home though, I probably should have just stayed, but I had to work today, so I guess it was good I came home.

Sometimes it is nice to crawl into your own bed after a long day, even if it was a fun day. Although I often think I'd like to have someone there I could snuggle up with on a regular basis, but I guess that isn't the plan for my life at the moment. I am not exactly sure what the plan is for my life, I guess I just wake up everyday, go through the day and what happens happens. Not exactly where I thought I'd be at this point in my life, but here I am. I guess there is no point in focusing on what I don't have, not going to bring into my life any faster. I am thankful for those that are a part of my life.

I can't believe September is here already. My youngest is turning 13. and next thing you know it will be Christmas. I cant believe all the things that have happened this past year. A year of discoveries for sure. Of course that is a whole other blog for a different day.

Well I am finished with my sundae and ready to be finished with my Sunday. I am off to practice.

Hello Moon

Well Hello There Mr. Moon,

Long time no see. It has been weeks since I was up so late conversing with you. Why oh why can I not find peace in my mind tonight to drift off into dreamland? Why can't i clear the clutter long enough to close my eyes and sleep?

Maybe it is the recent development in my home. The news that came tonight. The uncertainty of what my next step will be. What are the options, what are the choices?

Maybe it is the news I am waiting for, the lingering thought on what it will bring with it.

Maybe it is the goings on at work, the frustrations and the amount of work needed to be done by 2 that will be completed by 1.

Maybe it is all that and a little more. Whatever it is, it is keeping Mr. Sandman away. I am not able to sleep, I can't even close my eyes. No peaked roof or thunndering rain can bring peace enough for me to drift off. So here I am, talking to you Mr. Moon, as if you could answer back. I wonder what you would tell me if you could.

Wondering to the man on the moon...

Dear Mr. Moon,

I wonder if you have ever known the pain of watching your child battle within. To know that you can not help her, to know that she is just outside your reach. I wonder if you know the heartache of the words hurled at you, of the look that is given you. I wonder if you know the feeling of watching the one you love more than life itself slip from your fingertips, the helpless feeling that there is nothing there to grab onto to keep her from going.

I wonder if you know what it feels like to not know, to wait for answers. I wonder if you know what it is like to wonder if you are truly able to handle anything that may come your way. To wonder if you are strong enough to face whatever answer you may be given. To be strong not only yourself but for those around you. I wonder if you know what it is like to be afraid.

I wonder if you know what it is like to be uncertain. To know what you want and to not be sure you can attain it. To exist in a world that is unfamiliar. I wonder if you could be sure enough to reach for more, or would you settle for less? I wonder if you could, would you stay on the journey, or would you seek a different destination? I wonder if you knew all the answers and you could, would you tell me? If you could quiet my mind, heal my heart and give me strength, would you?

Good Night Moon.

Old Friends and New Numbers

What a long week, I was happy to see Friday arrive. A few days off will be nice. I am looking forward to the plans I have made for the entire weekend. It should be interesting indeed. A blog for another day I am sure.

I ran into an old friend today at the bank. Ok maybe not so much an old friend as in a guy I used to date a long time ago. He was a nice guy, and well that was probably his downfall. Poor guy. And it didn't help that he was also during the Rob era and well, anyone I met then met with the same fate, one date and never to be called again. A casualty of a time when I wished I knew now what I knew then. This guy however had actually made it to 3 dates before he was sadly removed from my social calender. I had a bit of a wait at the bank and enjoyed a lovely conversation, he said he had wondered why I kept saying no to his requests for another date, then he said he had seen Rob and I out one night, and he figured that was the reason. Oh that era of my life, and the lessons I have learned from it. Imagine what my life would be like now had I not gone down that road. Then again, I would not have a few of the friends that I have now had I not. I guess everything is an exchange for something else.

So we stood there and talked for about 30 min, his daughter is now 16 and we shared driving stories. It was casual conversation, no awkwardness, and it was easy. He said he had seen me a few times downtown recently, but hadn't said anything. He figured I was probably married and blissfully happy by now. I held up my left hand. :) He asked if I wanted to grab lunch sometime, and quickly wrote down his number on a deposit slip told me to give him a call and then walked out as I walked up to the teller.

So what do I do with that? My thoughts immediately went to Bond. I haven't really dated anyone since he has been in the picture. I am not very good at dating multiple people. And my feelings for Bond keep me from really dating anyone else. I did a long time ago, but I would then compare to the way I felt when I was with him, and if it didn't compare, they didn't get a second date. Isn't that absolutely insane? How can a man have that much power? Oh I know, because I allow it. What is wrong with me? Crazy girl!! :)

So here the phone number sits in my purse, I did not put it into my phone, I did not say yes I would call him. What do I do with it? I know what I would like to have with Bond, and I don't know that it will ever be possible. Do I need to stop the bus, get off and look for someone that will be able to some day (not today or tomorrow) be able to give me all the things I need? Do I hold out hope there will be some magical, change of behavior and feelings? What to do? What to do?

Well I better get going, I am having dinner with Mr. Bond this evening, and I must get in the shower and get ready.

Can tomorrow hurry and get here. I am headed up to have some "Marcos" therapy tomorrow, an afternoon in Midtown, Italian food for dinner and Ricks for dessert. There is nothing like a little "Hollie and Marcos" to distract me from the past few weeks. Then we are off to Minneapolis for a work thing. I even had to pack the "alley" dress for a dinner we are going to on Tuesday night, I haven't been to a summer meeting in a few years, I can not wait to see everyone. And how F.A.G is it that "Marcos" and I are going together. Fun times for sure!

I bought tickets today to a Shinedown/Sick Puppies concert. I am super excited. Aeri and I will be going together. I hadn't heard of the other two bands that are going to be there, so I checked them out on I tunes and ended up buying their albums. I love love love new music. Maybe you have heard of them, Cavo and Adelitas Way. Good Stuff. If not, check them out.

Other than that, playing a waiting game on some news, still praying to Baby Jesus for a miracle and getting geared up for holiday. Isn't funny that most people don't think about Christmas until December, and I start thinking about in July. It is such a crazy time for me at work, last year I worked so many long days and days and days in row. I had considered putting a bed in the studio so I could sleep there. Although I think this year will be different, new studio, fantastic staff, and the best support system a girl could ask for.

Well I am off to cook dinner, finish packing, and get Snooken's ready to go to her dads for the week

just a bit of nothing

Well what a week it has been. I will say a bit quieter and less chaotic than the week before. I am thankful for that for sure, although I am a firm believer in what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. I have spent the better part of the week trying to refocus and make some pretty important decisions based on the happenings from the week before. Decisions that will bring change to your life are never easy ones to make. Especially when it is every area of your life that needs change.
I also found a new spot to blog. It is actually a blogging community, kind of cool. I moved parts of this blog over there and I have to say that I kind of like the new place. It is quite a bit different than here, and I already have a list of friends and have chatted with some pretty cool people. I don't think I will delete this blog, over the last 9 months it has given me a place to release all those random thoughts that are roaming around chaotically in my mind. It's familiar and I am sure I will still post here.
So this week something happened, and I know I am not going crazy, and I know what I saw on sunday and what I didn't see on friday. I know I haven't lost my mind. But now I don't know what to do with it. An explanation was given, but I know what I saw. But it caused a reaction in me I wasn't quite prepared for. Something happened yesterday that I thought would never happen. I saw the situation and the people involved in a new light. I took off the rose colored glasses and really looked at everything from start to finish. boy, did I see things completely different, including myself.
So now where do I go from here, what decisions are the right ones to make? Who am I kidding, I know me... and I know the decisions were already made for me.

A Mental Checklist

I don't want to be lied to

I like honesty and trust

I don't want to move in with anyone anytime soon

I like my own space

I don't want to get married today or tomorrow

I like taking time to get to know someone

I don't want to be someone's dirty little secret

I like being able to be apart of someone's world

I don't want to be told what you think I want to hear

I like reality better than fantasy

I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life

I like the idea of sharing my life with someone someday

I don't like the unknown

I like to have an idea of what is actually happening

I don't like feeling unsettled and unsure

I like comfort and security

I don't like sleepless nights

I like curling up and drifting off peacefully

I don't like circling around the question

I like direct answers I can understand

I don't want to know everything

I like a little bit of mystery

I don't want to miss out on something great

How do you tell the truth...when you know they are telling lies

How do you come out and tell someone you know they have been lying to you, especially when you shouldn't know about the truth? How do you tell them you are aware of the dishonesty when they have no idea you know the facts? Maybe you stumbled across the truth unintentionally, found it when you weren't looking. Maybe someone else led you to it, maybe it was them that led you to it. Maybe you just happen to be at the right place at the right time to see it for yourself. Doesn't matter how you got to it, the fact is you know.
Do you have a right to confront the untruth based on the new found facts? How do you even bring it up? If the lies are trivial does it really matter? Little white lies. Or is the fact that the little white lies exist make you wonder what bigger untruths there are. Do you begin to question everything that is said from that point on, try to distinguish whats real and whats not?
And why lie about anything? Do I need to look within myself and see what would make a person lie to me? What need was there to automatically be dishonest? Am I that irrational and easily angered that one would need to give untruths rather than truths?
Now I am not saying that I haven't told a lie or two in my time, but it has been to protect someone, it did not cause any harm, nor was it for the purpose of deceiving someone. I am not saying that makes it right, I am merely suggesting there may be a difference.
Now I am not talking about kids being kids, I am speaking about adults. Grown adults that know the difference, who make a conscious effort to be deceitful.
So what to do, what to do.... that is where I am right now.

Sometimes the lyrics say it better than I can.

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze, and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go
Can't do it alone
I've tried, but I don't know why

Slow it down, make it stop
Or else my heart is going to pop
'Cause its to much, yeah its a lot
To be something I'm not

I'm a fool, out of love
'Cause I just can't get enough

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze, and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go
Can't do it alone
I've tried, but I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down
I know, I've got to let it go

And just enjoy the show

The sun is hot in the sky
Just like a giant spot light
The people follow the signs
And synchronize in time

It's a joke, nobody knows
they've got a ticket to the
show.

Yeah, I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze, and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go
Can't do it alone
I've tried, but I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down
I know, I've got to let it go

And just enjoy the show

Just enjoy the show
I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze, and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go
Can't do it alone
I've tried, but I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down
I know, I've got to let it go

And just enjoy the show

Can you see the writing on the wall?

My mind is a mess of thoughts, trying to make some decisions, trying to sort out some things. I had composed this blog in my mind as I drove home tonight, but then as I sit here I can't for the life of me remember what I had composed. What else is new.

I started a new blog, posting the letters I had recently written to Bond as well as his replies, but really it is just Bond being his normal vague self. He doesn't really answer the questions I ask. He doesn't really give me the answers I need. I guess I should have expected that. Someone left a nasty comment, but I did not post it, I deleted it. I have no idea who it was from, it was an anonymous comment. But the comment said that maybe what I needed to do was take a look at the lack of answers from Bond, combined with the fact that he has not invited me into his life at all, and see it as the writing on the wall. Interesting comment, something to think about. Could that be the case? Should I think of the lack of answers, the lack of invitation into his life as the "writing on the wall?" How did I not think of that? Should I be looking at what he is NOT saying as more of an answer to my questions? When we first discussed the letter I had written to Bond, he had said I may learn a few things about him based on his reply, but really I don't think I learned anything at all. I keep re reading them to see if there is something I missed, some clue to something new, but I can not find it.

We all know how I feel about Bond, I have not said anything to him, but somehow I am sure he knows, but I will not come out and say it. I almost sent him how I really feel in letter 2, but how can I? He says I feel what I feel and it is not his place to convince me otherwise, but if he does not welcome my feelings, then why not discourage them? Why not re establish the rules of the friendship and state the "what exactly we are" again. I don't ever pretend to know what goes on in his mind, what thoughts he has. And I ask, but get answers that only lead to more questions.

So ultimately the decision comes down to me, what can I accept, what can I live with, Have I in fact gone past what he is able to give me? Am I at a place where I want more from him? Is it time to re evaluate and move on? Do I stay and always wonder what I missed waiting for him to feel for me something he wont ever? Do I enjoy the raindrops and quit thinking about the ones I am missing? A good friend of mine suggested I just spill it all to him, tell him exactly how I feel and then "let the cards lie where they fall."

Maybe that's what I need to do...erase the writing on the wall and put my own up there for him to see.

Maybe I spend too much time thinking about all this and really it isn't worth it......

Maybe I just need to go to bed....Good night all!

Hello Moon....Did You Miss Me?

Hello old friend,

It has been a few nights since we have chatted, I find myself unable to sleep tonight and thought maybe I would spend a few min unloading my mind.

It is quiet in my room tonight, no music is playing, my 4yr old nephew is here, and I don't want to disturb him, although I believe he was so tired that nothing could wake him.

My mind is definitley in full swing tonight, there is quite a bit mulling around in there. but wherever do I start?

Mr. Bond was here on sunday evening, and he downloaded some sounds of rain onto my computer for me to listen to while I am sleeping. Very thoughtful of him, or he just wants to make sure I have something that will replace him in helping me sleep. :) haha. Anyhow the very NICE guesssture did indeed work, I love the sound of the rain, and find it very comforting. So as it played through the night, I heard nothing outside and was able to sleep through. Of course having Mr. Bond laying next to me helped a bit as well.

Its so funny how in the beginning I was not able to sleep at all when he stayed the night, I would lie awake most of the night while he was here. Now, he is what helps me drift into a peaceful nights sleep.

Bond and I took my nephew to the skate park the other night, my first experience taking him was not so great, but I wanted to try again, as I knew he would enjoy it once he overcame his fear. Bond had offered the last time to show him how, but my nephew was going home before he would return from his mission abroad. So when I picked up my nephew, I asked Bond if he had some free time to meet, and he agreed to meet that night.

Bond took him to the top of the ramp and proceeded to sit on the scooter he had brought himself and go down, to show my nephew it was ok, then they went down on their bottoms side by side, what a sight. Next my nephew went down by himself. A little bit of fear, but a willingness to try. Next thing you know my nephew is zipping around, like he had been doing it all alone for months, and there was Bond, encouraging him for everything. I can't begin to tell you how adorable that made Bond. :) A different side of him for sure. I took a few pictures, and even managed to get one of Bond and my nephew together, my 2 favorite men. I don't know that I will print it out, Bond has made a few comments about being photographed, and as much as I would like to put it on my dresser in my room, I probably wont. :(

I started a new blog yesterday, a back and forth of letters between Bond and I. Not sure yet what I think about the whole thing, but I do enoy the banter back and forth between Mr. Bond and I.

Well my eyes are getting heavy and I think I am finally tired.

Good Night Moon

The Truth Shall Set Me Free

How much truth does one share? If what we need to say could possibly hurt another should we keep it to ourselves? If what we feel or think is not what someone wants to hear, should we in fact change what we say to fit what we think they want to hear?
Are we obligated by our relationships with people to with hold information, change the details, leave out the facts, just to keep them in our life?

Do we look at the big picture and decide for them, without their knowledge what they deserve to know and what they don't? Are we afraid of the outcome if we speak our mind and say what we are really thinking? Are we afraid to hurt their feelings, or anger them? What if the truth could change your relationship/friendship? Does that mean you do not speak it?

There was a time long ago that I was terrified of the truth, of knowing the facts, to face the details. But not anymore, I believe in knowledge there is power, the power to make your own decisions, rather than having someone make them for you. Hindsight is 20/20 and I can't change the past, but I can hope for honesty in the future.

Because in honesty I will find peace, and the truth shall set me free.