RESTLESS

close my eyes and jump.... seems like an easy answer to a simple question. Although I am certain jumping is not the issue, in fact I think jumping and landing and jumping and landing and needing to jump again seems more like the problem to which I can not find the solution.

My life has settled into a comfortable place, I have now what I felt I needed, the pieces of the puzzle fit together nicely, yet I find myself anxious, restless and in need of something more.

I wonder if I am the type who can not be still for too long, who can not settle in for the long winters nap and be wrapped up in the warmth of contentment. Does the chilliness of the outside world draw me in, a world I have not seen nor experienced.

Why do I feel I need to remind myself of that which I feel, to say it loud as if to remind myself what is in front of me is good. I sit on the couch and look around me, and I am truly blessed to have the life I have, yet it isn't enough.

What more could I want, what more do I think I need to have. Is it not enough to be surrounded by those that love you, to have a warm bed to sleep in, and a place to call home?

Don't get me wrong, I am not unhappy. I am not miserable, I am simply restless....

Committed or not committed

The dictionary defines committed in many ways, it says to give in trust or to charge, to bind, or obligate, to entrust for safekeeping, to pledge to a position on an issue, or question, and to place in a mental institution. All of these definitions can relate to the question at hand, Am I committed to this relationship?

It was said this weekend that I was not committed to the relationship, that my actions did not reflect my committment to him and our relationship.

Huh? I know, thats what I said. I can not begin to wrap my mind around that statement. And I have to be truthful here, the conversation totally made me feel insecure about the relationship.

So let's look at the definition of committment, to give in trust, or to charge. Do I not do this, did I not hand him my heart, give it to him, entrust it to him that he would not turn and shatter it? Gave it to him for safekeeping. Is that not committment?

Did I not not "pledge" myself to him, and only him. Did I not answer the question of being exclusive with a yes. Is that not committing to this relationship?

Did I not say that I was all in, that no matter what I was in this relationship. Good or bad, fighting not fighting. That I was bound to the promise of making it work. Isn't that comittment?

Do those words, not represent an action, and isn't that action committment?

His explanation was that he felt as if the relationship was not progressing, that there were no plans for the future being made. That the next logical steps were not being discussed. When I asked him where he thought we should be at this point in the relationship he did not answer, he turned the question around to me. I however feel that we are right where we should be. I feel that the relationship is progressing at just the right speed.

But according to him my actions do not show my committment to the relationship. I do not offer any proof other than my words that I am committed to us. Well who's clothes are in my drawer and closet? Who's stuff is in my bathroom? Who's pictures are all over my home? What more can I do?

Oh, you think a key to my apt is how one shows committment? Well I am not so sure I agree, I don't have a key to your apt, nor have I ever been offered one. In fact I am
barely at your apt, rarely invited, and I am surely not as visible in your apt as you are in mine.

Planning for the future? You want me to plan for the future, I thought we were planning a cruise next summer, although when I mentioned it, you said you didn't know we'd still be together based on your opinion that we fight so much. What kind of planning would you like me to do with that?

I think my lack of committment has been replaced by confusion......


more later...