Seeing a little more clearly

Last night as I was driving home I was thinking about events in my life, some recent, some not so recent. I thought about words spoken, and the words that aren't. I thought about the actions of those in my life and the contradiction to the words they speak. I let drift through my mind all the things that I questioned quietly. I let run through my mind all the things I already know. I mixed it with the things I shouldn't know but do. and finally, somewhere halfway home I came to a conclusion. I realized something that maybe I hadn't already realized. Something I had over looked, something I maybe chose to ignore. I saw the truth. Beneath all the other things, I saw it for what it was. The undeniable truth. Now I wasn't shocked, or surprised. I think I kind of already knew. I think it was there all along waiting for me to discover it. I am quite certain I just tried to look away, to not see it. but when it is staring you in the face you have no choice but to take notice and see it for what it is. The rest of the trip home I tried to decide what to do with it. I tried to decide how I would let it affect me. Would it change my out look on this journey? I believed it would. Would it change the bus ride I had embarked upon? I think it already had. Today would be a testament to that. I would not have been open to today had something not changed within me. So how will it set my path? How will it determine my steps? I can not answer that question. I do not know for sure. I only know that the more my eyes are opened, the more clearly I see.

History Starts Now

Today was an interesting day, I saw new life and a life that never had a chance. When I got into the truck, the song above was playing, and it got me to thinking, what kind of world do I want? Life is so short, life is so precious, we have no idea when it will be gone. I look around and I wonder if where I am is exactly where I should be. Shouldn't I be making some grand plans, or embarking on the rest of my life. Why am I just trying to figure things out? Why am I stuck in the what should I do now mode? The what kind of world do you want? Why am I asking myself this question? Asking and not doing.

So lets think about it, what kind of world do I want? If I could think anything, have anything what would it be? Would it be to have an endless supply of money? Would it be to travel the world? Would it be to have a mansion and fancy cars? What would it be? If I could imagine anything what would I imagine?

I don't think it would be any of those. I think if I were going to truly be honest with myself, and with what kind of world I wanted I would have to admit that being with just me isn't all it's cracked up to be, and I know that I would rather be just me than to be with someone I wasn't happy with. But I think if I were going to imagine my world, it would be a world filled with someone who knew me, who understood what I needed, but could meet those needs, someone who could bring laughter to my world, who could accept me for the random thinking person I am, and most important of all someone who could not only love me, but let me love them in return. Unconditionally, without a doubt and forever.

Is all that asking too much? Is all that a world that can't exist? Is all that just some fantasy world that is just beyond my reach?Should I be careful of what I ask for? If I am building my own masterpiece, then why not? Why can't I have exactly what I wish for? History starts now.....

Don't you just want to find someone
that feels this way about you.....


You cool your bed-warm hands
down on the broken radiator,
And when you lay them freezing on me,
I mumble "can you wake me later?"
But I don't really want you to stop
and you know it so it doesn't stop you
And run your hands from my neck to my chest

Crack the shutters open wide,
I wanna bathe you in the light of day
And just watch you as the rays
tangle up around your face and body
I could sit for hours finding new
ways to be awed each minute
Cuz' the daylight seems to want you
just as much as I want you

It's been minutes, it's been days,
it's been all I will remember
Happy lost in your hair
and the cold side of the pillow
Your hills and valleys are
 mapped by my intrepid fingers
And in a naked slumber,
 I dream all this again

Crack the shutters open wide,
I wanna bathe you in the light of day
And just watch you as the rays
tangle up around your face and body
I could sit for hours finding
new ways to be awed each minute
Cuz' the daylight seems to want you
 just as much as I want you

just a little rambling

Today is the perfect day to have a sundae on a Sunday. Sometimes a day like today needs to have a little vanilla ice cream and a bit of hot fudge. I am sitting, wasting time while waiting for my keep to have practice. I didn't see the point of going home after work only to have to return, so here I sit, relaxing, enjoying a little sweet treat!

I am pretty tired today, and I have a terrible headache. it has been a busy weekend, but an enjoyable one. Non stop from Friday to tonight. I did make it up to see Marcos last night. We had a good time, I left kind of early as I wanted to drive home. I was falling asleep almost home though, I probably should have just stayed, but I had to work today, so I guess it was good I came home.

Sometimes it is nice to crawl into your own bed after a long day, even if it was a fun day. Although I often think I'd like to have someone there I could snuggle up with on a regular basis, but I guess that isn't the plan for my life at the moment. I am not exactly sure what the plan is for my life, I guess I just wake up everyday, go through the day and what happens happens. Not exactly where I thought I'd be at this point in my life, but here I am. I guess there is no point in focusing on what I don't have, not going to bring into my life any faster. I am thankful for those that are a part of my life.

I can't believe September is here already. My youngest is turning 13. and next thing you know it will be Christmas. I cant believe all the things that have happened this past year. A year of discoveries for sure. Of course that is a whole other blog for a different day.

Well I am finished with my sundae and ready to be finished with my Sunday. I am off to practice.

Hello Moon

Well Hello There Mr. Moon,

Long time no see. It has been weeks since I was up so late conversing with you. Why oh why can I not find peace in my mind tonight to drift off into dreamland? Why can't i clear the clutter long enough to close my eyes and sleep?

Maybe it is the recent development in my home. The news that came tonight. The uncertainty of what my next step will be. What are the options, what are the choices?

Maybe it is the news I am waiting for, the lingering thought on what it will bring with it.

Maybe it is the goings on at work, the frustrations and the amount of work needed to be done by 2 that will be completed by 1.

Maybe it is all that and a little more. Whatever it is, it is keeping Mr. Sandman away. I am not able to sleep, I can't even close my eyes. No peaked roof or thunndering rain can bring peace enough for me to drift off. So here I am, talking to you Mr. Moon, as if you could answer back. I wonder what you would tell me if you could.

Wondering to the man on the moon...

Dear Mr. Moon,

I wonder if you have ever known the pain of watching your child battle within. To know that you can not help her, to know that she is just outside your reach. I wonder if you know the heartache of the words hurled at you, of the look that is given you. I wonder if you know the feeling of watching the one you love more than life itself slip from your fingertips, the helpless feeling that there is nothing there to grab onto to keep her from going.

I wonder if you know what it feels like to not know, to wait for answers. I wonder if you know what it is like to wonder if you are truly able to handle anything that may come your way. To wonder if you are strong enough to face whatever answer you may be given. To be strong not only yourself but for those around you. I wonder if you know what it is like to be afraid.

I wonder if you know what it is like to be uncertain. To know what you want and to not be sure you can attain it. To exist in a world that is unfamiliar. I wonder if you could be sure enough to reach for more, or would you settle for less? I wonder if you could, would you stay on the journey, or would you seek a different destination? I wonder if you knew all the answers and you could, would you tell me? If you could quiet my mind, heal my heart and give me strength, would you?

Good Night Moon.

Old Friends and New Numbers

What a long week, I was happy to see Friday arrive. A few days off will be nice. I am looking forward to the plans I have made for the entire weekend. It should be interesting indeed. A blog for another day I am sure.

I ran into an old friend today at the bank. Ok maybe not so much an old friend as in a guy I used to date a long time ago. He was a nice guy, and well that was probably his downfall. Poor guy. And it didn't help that he was also during the Rob era and well, anyone I met then met with the same fate, one date and never to be called again. A casualty of a time when I wished I knew now what I knew then. This guy however had actually made it to 3 dates before he was sadly removed from my social calender. I had a bit of a wait at the bank and enjoyed a lovely conversation, he said he had wondered why I kept saying no to his requests for another date, then he said he had seen Rob and I out one night, and he figured that was the reason. Oh that era of my life, and the lessons I have learned from it. Imagine what my life would be like now had I not gone down that road. Then again, I would not have a few of the friends that I have now had I not. I guess everything is an exchange for something else.

So we stood there and talked for about 30 min, his daughter is now 16 and we shared driving stories. It was casual conversation, no awkwardness, and it was easy. He said he had seen me a few times downtown recently, but hadn't said anything. He figured I was probably married and blissfully happy by now. I held up my left hand. :) He asked if I wanted to grab lunch sometime, and quickly wrote down his number on a deposit slip told me to give him a call and then walked out as I walked up to the teller.

So what do I do with that? My thoughts immediately went to Bond. I haven't really dated anyone since he has been in the picture. I am not very good at dating multiple people. And my feelings for Bond keep me from really dating anyone else. I did a long time ago, but I would then compare to the way I felt when I was with him, and if it didn't compare, they didn't get a second date. Isn't that absolutely insane? How can a man have that much power? Oh I know, because I allow it. What is wrong with me? Crazy girl!! :)

So here the phone number sits in my purse, I did not put it into my phone, I did not say yes I would call him. What do I do with it? I know what I would like to have with Bond, and I don't know that it will ever be possible. Do I need to stop the bus, get off and look for someone that will be able to some day (not today or tomorrow) be able to give me all the things I need? Do I hold out hope there will be some magical, change of behavior and feelings? What to do? What to do?

Well I better get going, I am having dinner with Mr. Bond this evening, and I must get in the shower and get ready.