I read in a book tonight something that shook me to my core, reached out and said "this is you!" The paragraph read.. "Some of you have become so overwhelmed by your life that you've given up" That's it, that is exactly what has happened to me. You see, my Dad passed away 9 months ago and I simply gave up. From the second he took his last breath my heart has been shattered. I put on a brave face most days, and I pretend I have made my peace with it. I move through the days spending time with grand babies, friends and family. I smile, I laugh but on most days, when I am alone I still cry. I cry for the loss of my father, for the grief that overwhelms me and takes my breath away. I cry for my sister who has lost both parents. I cry for the little girl inside who wishes for just one more day with her dad. I cry for the woman who watched her Dad take his last breath while telling him she was sorry, that she loved him. I cry because I can't get those images out of my head. What I don't do is cry in front of anyone. I feel as though I can't. That I am not supposed to still be grieving. That those around me will worry that I may slip into a depression. I feel guilty for grieving. I feel guilty for having a broken heart 9 months later. Like there is this time limit I am supposed to adhere to, or that I am supposed to be strong for everyone else. Somedays I want to scream in anger. Angry at Cancer, angry that he is gone, angry that I let him spend his last two days alone and frightened. Angry at myself that I didn't know the severity of the disease and I was ill equipped to know the right questions to ask. Angry that once I learned of all of this, I didn't share it with him. He deserved to know, and I didn't give him that. Some days I can barely breath. Guilt takes over and takes my breath away and I can feel the anxiety creeping in. I fight it, and I push through it and at the end of the day, I am just exhausted. That is where I am most days. Exhausted. Exhausted all the time from fighting grief, pushing away anxiety and managing guilt. I have given up and succumbed to the tiredness that takes over my mind, and my body. I don't share that with anyone. I don't try to find help. It just exists inside me. I think those around me are tired of hearing how tired I am. I think those around me have an expectation that I just can't live up to. Somedays are harder than others, and somedays I think grief will swallow me up. I move through most days in a way that you wouldn't know any of this. I complete day to day things. I live my life, I function in my world with those around me. On the outside I appear to have a normal life, but if you could see the inside you would see something very different. Grief is hard.

Wow, Has it really been this long?

Hello darkness my old friend, I've come to talk with you again..... That is kind of what it feels like perusing through these old blogs. What an incredible journey I embarked upon so many years ago, so many things that changed who I was and shaped me to become the woman I am today. When I look back I sometimes wonder if it would have been better to have never stepped foot on that bus, to never have spent the time beneath the peaked roof. Then I think about the adventures, the lessons learned, the pieces of me that were changed for the better and I think maybe, just maybe it was all worth it. Life in the past few years has been interesting, to say the least. Married, grandchildren, retired, devastating loss, adventures and a home that is my safest of spaces. My journey has not been easy, but it has been rewarding. I am married to my best friend, with a life I truly love. Looking back makes me appreciate the future.

Sail Away....

the invitation came the other day to sail on a quiet adventure around the bay and then to Half Moon Bay for dinner. I have not been able to get this invitation out of my mind. I am not sure if it is because I am tempted to climb aboard and set sail, or because I .... who am I kidding, it is because I am tempted to set foot on board and sail off into the sunset.

But why? What is there to gain by taking this small journey? What is missing in my life that I think I will find there? For the life of me I can not think of anything. Maybe it is the restless feeling I still get, the need for adventure. The temptation of the unknown. Maybe it is the stillness I may find on the water regardless of the company that entices me. Whatever it is I find myself one step away from the edge of the water.

RESTLESS

close my eyes and jump.... seems like an easy answer to a simple question. Although I am certain jumping is not the issue, in fact I think jumping and landing and jumping and landing and needing to jump again seems more like the problem to which I can not find the solution.

My life has settled into a comfortable place, I have now what I felt I needed, the pieces of the puzzle fit together nicely, yet I find myself anxious, restless and in need of something more.

I wonder if I am the type who can not be still for too long, who can not settle in for the long winters nap and be wrapped up in the warmth of contentment. Does the chilliness of the outside world draw me in, a world I have not seen nor experienced.

Why do I feel I need to remind myself of that which I feel, to say it loud as if to remind myself what is in front of me is good. I sit on the couch and look around me, and I am truly blessed to have the life I have, yet it isn't enough.

What more could I want, what more do I think I need to have. Is it not enough to be surrounded by those that love you, to have a warm bed to sleep in, and a place to call home?

Don't get me wrong, I am not unhappy. I am not miserable, I am simply restless....

Committed or not committed

The dictionary defines committed in many ways, it says to give in trust or to charge, to bind, or obligate, to entrust for safekeeping, to pledge to a position on an issue, or question, and to place in a mental institution. All of these definitions can relate to the question at hand, Am I committed to this relationship?

It was said this weekend that I was not committed to the relationship, that my actions did not reflect my committment to him and our relationship.

Huh? I know, thats what I said. I can not begin to wrap my mind around that statement. And I have to be truthful here, the conversation totally made me feel insecure about the relationship.

So let's look at the definition of committment, to give in trust, or to charge. Do I not do this, did I not hand him my heart, give it to him, entrust it to him that he would not turn and shatter it? Gave it to him for safekeeping. Is that not committment?

Did I not not "pledge" myself to him, and only him. Did I not answer the question of being exclusive with a yes. Is that not committing to this relationship?

Did I not say that I was all in, that no matter what I was in this relationship. Good or bad, fighting not fighting. That I was bound to the promise of making it work. Isn't that comittment?

Do those words, not represent an action, and isn't that action committment?

His explanation was that he felt as if the relationship was not progressing, that there were no plans for the future being made. That the next logical steps were not being discussed. When I asked him where he thought we should be at this point in the relationship he did not answer, he turned the question around to me. I however feel that we are right where we should be. I feel that the relationship is progressing at just the right speed.

But according to him my actions do not show my committment to the relationship. I do not offer any proof other than my words that I am committed to us. Well who's clothes are in my drawer and closet? Who's stuff is in my bathroom? Who's pictures are all over my home? What more can I do?

Oh, you think a key to my apt is how one shows committment? Well I am not so sure I agree, I don't have a key to your apt, nor have I ever been offered one. In fact I am
barely at your apt, rarely invited, and I am surely not as visible in your apt as you are in mine.

Planning for the future? You want me to plan for the future, I thought we were planning a cruise next summer, although when I mentioned it, you said you didn't know we'd still be together based on your opinion that we fight so much. What kind of planning would you like me to do with that?

I think my lack of committment has been replaced by confusion......


more later...

a cloudy walk into the past.

Sometimes we don't know what small little thing will trigger those old feelings, what little detail will be shared that will send us hurling back where we never wanted to go again. Insecurities, doubts, an imagination running wild. You can't even begin to imagine how many nights you will lay awake wondering, how many nights you will be angry at yourself that you are right back at square one. Is there validaty to your wondering? maybe, maybe not. Does the action speak louder than the words?
You see yourself walking the path once more, not nearly as foggy as before, because this time, you feel more in control, more able to see. Your vision is only partly clouded, but the feelings however are not. They are there, as strong as ever. And where you once trusted your gut feeling, this time you are unsure, this time you don't trust it. This time it is different. The path you walk is a familiar one, but the scenery is a little different.
But is it really? would you know if it weren't? probably not. And so here you sit, a million thoughts blow through your mind, at a pace that won't allow you to sleep. It is the first sleepless night in a very long time. You try to piece the little things together, think back through the day, you weren't paying attention when you should have been. You had stopped paying attention a long time ago, you felt safe in your surroundings.
Now you stand at the end of the path, unsure of what to do.

Goodnight Moon

Dear Mr. Moon,

It has been sometime since we have spoken. It has been sometime since I felt the need to whisper my thoughts to the quiet of the night. Here I am unable to sleep, and the rain does not help, it does not lull me to a place of peacefulness. It does not clear my mind tonight.

Maybe it is the stress of moving, although a relatively easy move, it is never easy for me to pick up and go regardless. I will not miss this house, as much as I loved it, just as he said, it never really fit me. Too spacious and cold. Many wonderful memories will leave with me, but that is it. I will not miss the house. I am looking forward to my new place, Keep and I are going to be happy there I am sure. Now if I can just get through this month. I am ahead of the game in packing. That feels pretty good. Most of the furniture has been sold. Not much to move to the new place.
But the moment I think about it, anxiety takes over, I feel as though I can not breathe. Sleepless nights, and scattered thoughts. I cant even find peace beneath the peaked roof.

I wonder what it is I am doing in my life? I wonder if what I have is really worth the effort. How can I stand in a room with those I love and feel so alone. Am I missing something? What is it? Where is it? Please don't get me wrong Mr. Moon, I am not unhappy, just not content. So many things I want in my life, yet they always seem to be 2 feet out of reach. I look around me and wonder when and where it will be for me. Life is passing by and yet I feel as though I am standing still. I'm not asking for a fairy tale, I'm asking for the real thing. Is it asking too much?

I wonder if she knows I miss her being around, and I worry about her all the time. I am sad at what happened, and I understand her need to spread her wings. I hope everyday that she is making good choices. I hope that she will not wait to make her life happen, that she will realize that time passes very quickly, and it does not wait for you. I hope she knows that I love her more than life.

I am listening to a song that makes me think of a journey I once took. I can't help but think of that bus ride with a mixture of emotions still. How did I allow it to happen, how did I not stop it even though I knew all that I knew. Sometimes when I can not sleep I wonder if what happened bothers him. And then I think Probably not. Why does that journey still enter my mind? Will I ever be able to look back on it as if I am looking at a post card rather than an entire photo album I photographed myself?

Oh Mr. Moon.....

You are so silent tonight, more so than usual. I wonder what you would say if you could answer. If you could look into my mind and see my thoughts, what would you say? Would you tell me to relax? Would you tell me that I need to let go to find what I really want? To be patient. Would you tell me the journey was worth something because I learned things about myself I didn't know? Would you tell me that this move is worth it, that the anxiety will pass, that the change is a good one? Would you tell me to hold on, the small things aren't all that important? Would you remind me of the laughter, would you remind me of the pain? Would you say to me that she knows, that she is aware of the love I have for her? Would you tell me the images will soon fade to mere memories? Would you tell me that there are those around that love me dearly and sometimes that's enough? Do I even really need you to answer?

Goodnight Moon.

Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight? Looked in his eyes, felt the heat of his touch? Listened as his words moved over you, springing to life all of your senses? I have, in fact I am surprised that I made it out in one piece. A journey of discovery that lead me down a path I never thought I would go. A man full of tales and a woman eager to believe them. I think less and less of it all now, I don't know that I will ever fully understand the motives, or the reasons, I haven't stopped trying to figure it out, I hope one day I will move past it and let it go. That day however is not today.
The words haunt me, the many beautiful words spoken and written. They creep into my thoughts when i least expect it, when I am drifting off to sleep, when I have a quiet moment to myself, sometimes even in the chaos I can hear them. I try to push them out, to remind myself untrue words they are, spoken not only to me but to another as well. It doesn't always work. Sometimes they grab a hold of me and take my breath away, only this time it is more like I am choking.
I can't help but question myself and the validity of the things said, was every letter formed to nothing but lies? Were the words spoken to more than just me? Letters given to not one but two? Recycled and reused for a purpose I cant begin to understand.
Was I so blinded as to not see what was right in front of me, unable to see what others saw clear as day?
The devil is powerful that I am certain of, the ability to grab hold and weave a web that encircles you and won't let go.
But I am free now, free from the grip of destruction, free from the lies, free from the journey that set me down a path I had no business being on.

Singing......

I’m taking scissors to all of the pictures of us
I’m cutting you out but it won’t be enough
It’s never enough
You’re still walking through my memories
I’ll never solve this mystery
I lie awake with echoes and whispers of you
I’m still haunted by you

And I can’t let you go if you’ve already gone
Can’t bring you life, it’s been way too long
Can’t move on, just can’t stop...
With the ghost of you in my heart

I see your face, I keep hearing your voice
Holding my breath and remembering every choice
I made a choice
Now you’ve taken all the life from me
Living ancient history
I lie awake with echoes and whispers of you
I’m still haunted by you

And I can’t let you go if you’ve already gone
Can’t bring you life, it’s been way too long
Can’t move on, just can’t stop...
With the ghost of you

The walls are closing in, I...
Just want this to end, I...
Thought you would leave me by now
But here you are again

I’m taking scissors to all of the pictures of us
I’m cutting you out but it won’t be enough
It’s never enough

I can’t let you go if you’ve already gone
Can’t bring you life, it’s been way too long
Can’t move on, just can’t stop...
No, I can’t let you go if you’ve already gone
Can’t bring you life, it’s been way too long
I Can’t move on, just can’t stop...
With the ghost of you in my heart.

Make it stop!

Most of the time I don't mind being single, today is not one of those days. Today is one of those days I wish I had a significant other, someone I could confide in. Someone I can discuss the things that are weighing heavy on my mind. Someone I can lay my head upon his shoulder and work together to find solutions to the things that I am unsure about. I have many wonderful friends that I know would be more than happy to hear my thoughts and offer advice, and I am thankful for them, but today I want more than that. Today I want someone stronger than me, someone who can listen and help me to know what to do. Someone who can carry me once in awhile. Not all the time, as I am capable of doing that myself, but once in awhile it would be nice to have someone to lean on.

Maybe it is the weather that has me all melancholy, maybe it is the many things that weigh on my mind that make me need someone stronger than myself. Whatever it is, It makes me frustrated at where I am in my life. I know there is a reason for everything that happens, and there is a reason why I am single still. I at least hope so, heck maybe that reason is just me.

Anyway... I am in a weird mood today, I can't seem to shake it. I apologize to those who's emails are being flooded with my thoughts this week. I know I am blogging more than usual. I can't seem to shut my mind of for one second. I can't get a grasp on it all. So many different directions, so many things that require attention from me. So many decisions to make. UGH! For Sure!! I have no idea what steps to take, what direction to go.

So I guess the best thing to do is to take one thing at a time and just work through it, knowing whatever decisions I make will be my own, and that's the best I can do.

Seeing a little more clearly

Last night as I was driving home I was thinking about events in my life, some recent, some not so recent. I thought about words spoken, and the words that aren't. I thought about the actions of those in my life and the contradiction to the words they speak. I let drift through my mind all the things that I questioned quietly. I let run through my mind all the things I already know. I mixed it with the things I shouldn't know but do. and finally, somewhere halfway home I came to a conclusion. I realized something that maybe I hadn't already realized. Something I had over looked, something I maybe chose to ignore. I saw the truth. Beneath all the other things, I saw it for what it was. The undeniable truth. Now I wasn't shocked, or surprised. I think I kind of already knew. I think it was there all along waiting for me to discover it. I am quite certain I just tried to look away, to not see it. but when it is staring you in the face you have no choice but to take notice and see it for what it is. The rest of the trip home I tried to decide what to do with it. I tried to decide how I would let it affect me. Would it change my out look on this journey? I believed it would. Would it change the bus ride I had embarked upon? I think it already had. Today would be a testament to that. I would not have been open to today had something not changed within me. So how will it set my path? How will it determine my steps? I can not answer that question. I do not know for sure. I only know that the more my eyes are opened, the more clearly I see.

History Starts Now

Today was an interesting day, I saw new life and a life that never had a chance. When I got into the truck, the song above was playing, and it got me to thinking, what kind of world do I want? Life is so short, life is so precious, we have no idea when it will be gone. I look around and I wonder if where I am is exactly where I should be. Shouldn't I be making some grand plans, or embarking on the rest of my life. Why am I just trying to figure things out? Why am I stuck in the what should I do now mode? The what kind of world do you want? Why am I asking myself this question? Asking and not doing.

So lets think about it, what kind of world do I want? If I could think anything, have anything what would it be? Would it be to have an endless supply of money? Would it be to travel the world? Would it be to have a mansion and fancy cars? What would it be? If I could imagine anything what would I imagine?

I don't think it would be any of those. I think if I were going to truly be honest with myself, and with what kind of world I wanted I would have to admit that being with just me isn't all it's cracked up to be, and I know that I would rather be just me than to be with someone I wasn't happy with. But I think if I were going to imagine my world, it would be a world filled with someone who knew me, who understood what I needed, but could meet those needs, someone who could bring laughter to my world, who could accept me for the random thinking person I am, and most important of all someone who could not only love me, but let me love them in return. Unconditionally, without a doubt and forever.

Is all that asking too much? Is all that a world that can't exist? Is all that just some fantasy world that is just beyond my reach?Should I be careful of what I ask for? If I am building my own masterpiece, then why not? Why can't I have exactly what I wish for? History starts now.....

Don't you just want to find someone
that feels this way about you.....


You cool your bed-warm hands
down on the broken radiator,
And when you lay them freezing on me,
I mumble "can you wake me later?"
But I don't really want you to stop
and you know it so it doesn't stop you
And run your hands from my neck to my chest

Crack the shutters open wide,
I wanna bathe you in the light of day
And just watch you as the rays
tangle up around your face and body
I could sit for hours finding new
ways to be awed each minute
Cuz' the daylight seems to want you
just as much as I want you

It's been minutes, it's been days,
it's been all I will remember
Happy lost in your hair
and the cold side of the pillow
Your hills and valleys are
 mapped by my intrepid fingers
And in a naked slumber,
 I dream all this again

Crack the shutters open wide,
I wanna bathe you in the light of day
And just watch you as the rays
tangle up around your face and body
I could sit for hours finding
new ways to be awed each minute
Cuz' the daylight seems to want you
 just as much as I want you

just a little rambling

Today is the perfect day to have a sundae on a Sunday. Sometimes a day like today needs to have a little vanilla ice cream and a bit of hot fudge. I am sitting, wasting time while waiting for my keep to have practice. I didn't see the point of going home after work only to have to return, so here I sit, relaxing, enjoying a little sweet treat!

I am pretty tired today, and I have a terrible headache. it has been a busy weekend, but an enjoyable one. Non stop from Friday to tonight. I did make it up to see Marcos last night. We had a good time, I left kind of early as I wanted to drive home. I was falling asleep almost home though, I probably should have just stayed, but I had to work today, so I guess it was good I came home.

Sometimes it is nice to crawl into your own bed after a long day, even if it was a fun day. Although I often think I'd like to have someone there I could snuggle up with on a regular basis, but I guess that isn't the plan for my life at the moment. I am not exactly sure what the plan is for my life, I guess I just wake up everyday, go through the day and what happens happens. Not exactly where I thought I'd be at this point in my life, but here I am. I guess there is no point in focusing on what I don't have, not going to bring into my life any faster. I am thankful for those that are a part of my life.

I can't believe September is here already. My youngest is turning 13. and next thing you know it will be Christmas. I cant believe all the things that have happened this past year. A year of discoveries for sure. Of course that is a whole other blog for a different day.

Well I am finished with my sundae and ready to be finished with my Sunday. I am off to practice.

Hello Moon

Well Hello There Mr. Moon,

Long time no see. It has been weeks since I was up so late conversing with you. Why oh why can I not find peace in my mind tonight to drift off into dreamland? Why can't i clear the clutter long enough to close my eyes and sleep?

Maybe it is the recent development in my home. The news that came tonight. The uncertainty of what my next step will be. What are the options, what are the choices?

Maybe it is the news I am waiting for, the lingering thought on what it will bring with it.

Maybe it is the goings on at work, the frustrations and the amount of work needed to be done by 2 that will be completed by 1.

Maybe it is all that and a little more. Whatever it is, it is keeping Mr. Sandman away. I am not able to sleep, I can't even close my eyes. No peaked roof or thunndering rain can bring peace enough for me to drift off. So here I am, talking to you Mr. Moon, as if you could answer back. I wonder what you would tell me if you could.