I read in a book tonight something that shook me to my core, reached out and said "this is you!" The paragraph read.. "Some of you have become so overwhelmed by your life that you've given up" That's it, that is exactly what has happened to me. You see, my Dad passed away 9 months ago and I simply gave up. From the second he took his last breath my heart has been shattered. I put on a brave face most days, and I pretend I have made my peace with it. I move through the days spending time with grand babies, friends and family. I smile, I laugh but on most days, when I am alone I still cry. I cry for the loss of my father, for the grief that overwhelms me and takes my breath away. I cry for my sister who has lost both parents. I cry for the little girl inside who wishes for just one more day with her dad. I cry for the woman who watched her Dad take his last breath while telling him she was sorry, that she loved him. I cry because I can't get those images out of my head. What I don't do is cry in front of anyone. I feel as though I can't. That I am not supposed to still be grieving. That those around me will worry that I may slip into a depression. I feel guilty for grieving. I feel guilty for having a broken heart 9 months later. Like there is this time limit I am supposed to adhere to, or that I am supposed to be strong for everyone else. Somedays I want to scream in anger. Angry at Cancer, angry that he is gone, angry that I let him spend his last two days alone and frightened. Angry at myself that I didn't know the severity of the disease and I was ill equipped to know the right questions to ask. Angry that once I learned of all of this, I didn't share it with him. He deserved to know, and I didn't give him that. Some days I can barely breath. Guilt takes over and takes my breath away and I can feel the anxiety creeping in. I fight it, and I push through it and at the end of the day, I am just exhausted. That is where I am most days. Exhausted. Exhausted all the time from fighting grief, pushing away anxiety and managing guilt. I have given up and succumbed to the tiredness that takes over my mind, and my body. I don't share that with anyone. I don't try to find help. It just exists inside me. I think those around me are tired of hearing how tired I am. I think those around me have an expectation that I just can't live up to. Somedays are harder than others, and somedays I think grief will swallow me up. I move through most days in a way that you wouldn't know any of this. I complete day to day things. I live my life, I function in my world with those around me. On the outside I appear to have a normal life, but if you could see the inside you would see something very different. Grief is hard.

Wow, Has it really been this long?

Hello darkness my old friend, I've come to talk with you again..... That is kind of what it feels like perusing through these old blogs. What an incredible journey I embarked upon so many years ago, so many things that changed who I was and shaped me to become the woman I am today. When I look back I sometimes wonder if it would have been better to have never stepped foot on that bus, to never have spent the time beneath the peaked roof. Then I think about the adventures, the lessons learned, the pieces of me that were changed for the better and I think maybe, just maybe it was all worth it. Life in the past few years has been interesting, to say the least. Married, grandchildren, retired, devastating loss, adventures and a home that is my safest of spaces. My journey has not been easy, but it has been rewarding. I am married to my best friend, with a life I truly love. Looking back makes me appreciate the future.