Can you see the writing on the wall?

My mind is a mess of thoughts, trying to make some decisions, trying to sort out some things. I had composed this blog in my mind as I drove home tonight, but then as I sit here I can't for the life of me remember what I had composed. What else is new.

I started a new blog, posting the letters I had recently written to Bond as well as his replies, but really it is just Bond being his normal vague self. He doesn't really answer the questions I ask. He doesn't really give me the answers I need. I guess I should have expected that. Someone left a nasty comment, but I did not post it, I deleted it. I have no idea who it was from, it was an anonymous comment. But the comment said that maybe what I needed to do was take a look at the lack of answers from Bond, combined with the fact that he has not invited me into his life at all, and see it as the writing on the wall. Interesting comment, something to think about. Could that be the case? Should I think of the lack of answers, the lack of invitation into his life as the "writing on the wall?" How did I not think of that? Should I be looking at what he is NOT saying as more of an answer to my questions? When we first discussed the letter I had written to Bond, he had said I may learn a few things about him based on his reply, but really I don't think I learned anything at all. I keep re reading them to see if there is something I missed, some clue to something new, but I can not find it.

We all know how I feel about Bond, I have not said anything to him, but somehow I am sure he knows, but I will not come out and say it. I almost sent him how I really feel in letter 2, but how can I? He says I feel what I feel and it is not his place to convince me otherwise, but if he does not welcome my feelings, then why not discourage them? Why not re establish the rules of the friendship and state the "what exactly we are" again. I don't ever pretend to know what goes on in his mind, what thoughts he has. And I ask, but get answers that only lead to more questions.

So ultimately the decision comes down to me, what can I accept, what can I live with, Have I in fact gone past what he is able to give me? Am I at a place where I want more from him? Is it time to re evaluate and move on? Do I stay and always wonder what I missed waiting for him to feel for me something he wont ever? Do I enjoy the raindrops and quit thinking about the ones I am missing? A good friend of mine suggested I just spill it all to him, tell him exactly how I feel and then "let the cards lie where they fall."

Maybe that's what I need to do...erase the writing on the wall and put my own up there for him to see.

Maybe I spend too much time thinking about all this and really it isn't worth it......

Maybe I just need to go to bed....Good night all!

Hello Moon....Did You Miss Me?

Hello old friend,

It has been a few nights since we have chatted, I find myself unable to sleep tonight and thought maybe I would spend a few min unloading my mind.

It is quiet in my room tonight, no music is playing, my 4yr old nephew is here, and I don't want to disturb him, although I believe he was so tired that nothing could wake him.

My mind is definitley in full swing tonight, there is quite a bit mulling around in there. but wherever do I start?

Mr. Bond was here on sunday evening, and he downloaded some sounds of rain onto my computer for me to listen to while I am sleeping. Very thoughtful of him, or he just wants to make sure I have something that will replace him in helping me sleep. :) haha. Anyhow the very NICE guesssture did indeed work, I love the sound of the rain, and find it very comforting. So as it played through the night, I heard nothing outside and was able to sleep through. Of course having Mr. Bond laying next to me helped a bit as well.

Its so funny how in the beginning I was not able to sleep at all when he stayed the night, I would lie awake most of the night while he was here. Now, he is what helps me drift into a peaceful nights sleep.

Bond and I took my nephew to the skate park the other night, my first experience taking him was not so great, but I wanted to try again, as I knew he would enjoy it once he overcame his fear. Bond had offered the last time to show him how, but my nephew was going home before he would return from his mission abroad. So when I picked up my nephew, I asked Bond if he had some free time to meet, and he agreed to meet that night.

Bond took him to the top of the ramp and proceeded to sit on the scooter he had brought himself and go down, to show my nephew it was ok, then they went down on their bottoms side by side, what a sight. Next my nephew went down by himself. A little bit of fear, but a willingness to try. Next thing you know my nephew is zipping around, like he had been doing it all alone for months, and there was Bond, encouraging him for everything. I can't begin to tell you how adorable that made Bond. :) A different side of him for sure. I took a few pictures, and even managed to get one of Bond and my nephew together, my 2 favorite men. I don't know that I will print it out, Bond has made a few comments about being photographed, and as much as I would like to put it on my dresser in my room, I probably wont. :(

I started a new blog yesterday, a back and forth of letters between Bond and I. Not sure yet what I think about the whole thing, but I do enoy the banter back and forth between Mr. Bond and I.

Well my eyes are getting heavy and I think I am finally tired.

Good Night Moon

The Truth Shall Set Me Free

How much truth does one share? If what we need to say could possibly hurt another should we keep it to ourselves? If what we feel or think is not what someone wants to hear, should we in fact change what we say to fit what we think they want to hear?
Are we obligated by our relationships with people to with hold information, change the details, leave out the facts, just to keep them in our life?

Do we look at the big picture and decide for them, without their knowledge what they deserve to know and what they don't? Are we afraid of the outcome if we speak our mind and say what we are really thinking? Are we afraid to hurt their feelings, or anger them? What if the truth could change your relationship/friendship? Does that mean you do not speak it?

There was a time long ago that I was terrified of the truth, of knowing the facts, to face the details. But not anymore, I believe in knowledge there is power, the power to make your own decisions, rather than having someone make them for you. Hindsight is 20/20 and I can't change the past, but I can hope for honesty in the future.

Because in honesty I will find peace, and the truth shall set me free.

Who She Is!

She is a girl who has made many mistakes and many bad choices, but learned valuable lessons from them, and she is determined to never make the same mistakes twice. She has forgiven herself and others, but doesn't allow herself to forget. She questions everything, verbally and sometimes only in thought, not because she is defiant, but because it helps her survive, in knowing, she can protect herself if need be. She is independent, not because she wants to be, but because she has to be. She doesn't know how to be any other way. She is kind hearted, passionate and compassionate. She is faithful, loyal but trusts only to an extent. She is smarter than people think and more observant than one would believe. She has loved unconditionally once, but doesn't know if she could ever do it again, but hopes she will. She is tender hearted and has been accused of wearing it on her sleeve. She came from a broken home, and a life filled with chaos, as such she needs to have structure and rules in her life, she needs to know whats expected of her, and where the lines are drawn, it makes her feel safe, but she knows sometimes she has taken it to the extreme. She works hard, and she believes in a good work ethic. She values family and friends, and believes that she has been blessed with the best of friends to make up for the lack of family and she cherishes those friendships even more because of it. She is optimistic, and tries not to complain, life could be worse, she knows this, because she has lived it. She has a sense of humor, and feels laughter is true medicine for the soul. She is curious, but never for selfish reason, she is interested and cares. She gets her feelings hurt, too easily she thinks, but doesn't like to show it, it frustrates her to be so sensitive. She is emotional, and feels hurt for those that hurt. She cries easily, too easily. She is impatient, and believes its one of her biggest weaknesses. She is argumentative and likes to have the last word. She is a mom first and foremost, and sometimes she forgets she is more than that. She sacrafices part of her life for her children, but doesn't see it as a sacrifice, they are first in her heart and mind. She wishes she had a better relationship with her mother, and she longs for the approval and acceptance of her mother even at this age, and is hurt that she doesn't have it, but she knows she can't change it and makes sure her children never feel the same way. She is a little girl at heart, loves the simple things in life and prefers the gift of someones time more so than something they could ever buy for her. She is sentimental, and keeps silly things to remind her of the memories. She doesn't take risks, she normally plays it this side of safe. She is ridiculous and random, and says things that don't always make sense, but she can laugh at herself. She is girly and loves to be feminine. She can get dirty if need be, and can feel sexy in a pair of jeans as much as in a low cut dress. She loves Tiffany's little blue boxes and white bows, and a hand made card on any day more than one bought. She expects very little from people, so she can be surprised when they come through and not so disappointed when they don't.

She is all these things and more.... She is a simple girl made up of complex things.

Oogles Of Googles

I can honestly say that up until a few months ago, I had never googled anyone. I hadn't thought of the concept until someone said they had googled me. hmmmm... what does one find out about someone else when they google them. Curious by nature, I had to know.

So when I set out on my search I had no idea what information I might find, I will say I was surprised by what I happened upon, the intranet is an interesting thing, because at the push of a button you can find out just about anything on a wide variety of subjects or people. You can search by name, by email, by screen name, topics, phrases, words, it is ridiculous. You can get articles, images, past history, addresses, phone numbers, people related, anything right there in the comfort of your own home.

Now I think it is important to mention here, that I am not some stalker girl, using information gained for some random acts of craziness. I have always had a bit of information at my fingertips, but what one chooses to do with that information says something about them I think. What did I do with my new found information? Nothing, absolutely nothing. Not everyone has a hidden agenda, not everyone seeks to destroy.

So with patience I waited for the source to reveal the information personally. Although I think it is easy to secretly search for answers, I believe whole heartedly if you want to know something, you should go directly to the source, you see, information can be enlightening, it can teach you things, it can be powerful, but it can also be confusing. And when you go to the source, it's alot easier to keep from getting it all mixed up.

Now you might say that answering one question only brings more questions, but at the end of the day is it really so wrong to want to learn more about the ones you care about? I don't think so, but that's just my opinion, yours may be different.

I came, I searched, I saw..... I will seek no more. I like my information a whole lot more when it is delivered personally via a funny story, a moment of tell me something I don't know, during conversation, or just while listening. Much more meaningful that way... at least I think so.


more

drunk texting should be illegal.

So here I am still awake, why? because my phone keeps going off, I thought at first it was just a random face book update, but then when it didn't stop I figured I'd better make sure it wasn't an emergency. Nope... just a drunk texter... ugh! There is something incredibly irritating about drunk texts, first of all, the texts rarely make sense, words are misspelled, takes 3 texts to send 5 words, but most of all the person really thinks you want to know what they have to tell you. In this case that couldn't be farther from the truth. I have no desire to know that you still think about me, that you wish things could be different, that you know you made the wrong decision, that you are sorry. I've heard it all before, many times, at many different hours, by text, by email, by song lyrics, the message is always the same, and my answer is always the same... that was a long time ago, and I am much better off now. I send a quick text in response that simply says " are you sure you wouldn't rather be texting her instead?" It usually does the trick. Not tonight, tonight he has much to say about alot of things, I don't answer, as I do not want to encourage the texts, and eventually I just turn my phone off. Alcohol induced discoveries about the past are never a good thing. So what do I do with that? What do I say anymore? I understand where the feelings are coming from, I felt them once so many years ago, but I do not feel that way anymore. The decision to leave although not mine was the best decision for everyone involved. Why can't the past just stay in the past? and why must the past pick up a phone and try to have a one sided alcohol induced conversation?

change is inevitable

So he says he notices a change, aware that a transformation of some sort has taken place. I wont deny that there has been a bit of a change lately, but I don't think it is the change he describes. At some point the nervousness must be replaced with some confidence, or a sense of being comfortable when with him. I think that is where the change has occurred.
I am still amazed by what he does to me, what I feel when I am with him, and still completely amazed that he wants to spend his time with me. That hasn't changed at all. What has been added is a true appreciation for how he makes me feel when we are together. The 2 have now been combined, because before I was just in awe of what my body was capable of when with him, now within that amazement is an appreciation for creating that awe.
But with more time spent together I have become a little bit more comfortable, a little bit more at ease. Not a whole lot more, but enough to get noticed I guess.

A Beautiful Book, A Complicated Story

I came across an interesting book sometime ago.. I found it while I was just finishing another book, but there was something different about this book something that immediately piqued my interest.

The cover was beautiful, the pages of the book were like no other I had ever seen, they were in good condition, yet you could tell they had seen a lifetime of living, a little used, a little worn, a little rough around the edges. A few of the pages appeared to be torn out, but that didn't matter to me, just looking at the book, I could tell it had soul and it's story would be like no other I had ever experienced.

As I began to delve into this book, I became more and more enthralled with it. I was mesmerized by the words, and as I moved from page to page, I began to appreciate the book and its story even more.

But this wasn't an easy book to read, sometimes the words were complicated and confusing. The more I tried to get the story, the more frustrated I became.

Then life did what it always does and it became busy. Maybe the book had lost it's hold on me, or maybe I lost my hold on it, but for whatever reason, the book was set aside. And even though it was out of site, something about the story it held had captivated me.

I wondered if I would ever really know the story, ever understand it completely. I wondered if I would ever pick the book up again, to hold it in my hands, feel its pages at my finger tips. I believed the book was a good one, one that had meaning.

Time passed and the book stayed in my mind, it's complicated story bringing questions I had no answers to. I never could quite get that book out of my thoughts, but what was it about it, what about that book had stayed with me? What made that book so much more than any other book I had ever read?

And then one day out of the blue, the book somehow found it's way back into my hands. This time it was different for me, this time I would truly understand it's meaning, be determined to know it's story.

As I looked at the book, and my eyes scanned the pages, I really began to see it differently. To feel the words, and the meaning behind them. I kept telling myself this story was unique, this story was going to have the sort of effect on my life that even if I never read the story again, I would forever be changed by it.

I spent as much time with this book as I could, learning as I went from page to page. Sometimes the story was sad, and my heart ached, other times it filled me with so much laughter, tears would stream down my face, but regardless, it stayed with me, near in my mind, even when I wasn't reading it.

The more I read, the more questions I had. Questions about it's beginning, the torn pages from the book. I sought out the answers but little information could be found. I continued to read, and slowly but surely I found a few answers, hidden in paragraphs, revealed in pages. I learned if I quietly waited, the story would unfold and open up to me, the words would become clear.

As I wandered from page to page, I never quite knew what to expect, what the story may or may not reveal to me. I was sometimes impatient, wanting more than the story was willing to share. I wanted to skip ahead pages and other times I wanted to go back and re read pages. I tried to figure out why this particular story had such a hold on me. How this story could find itself at the center of my thoughts, distracting me from my everyday life.

As time went on I realized that as much as I tried to understand the story, I couldn't. It wasn't because I was not capable of understanding, or that I didn't want to, it was a little more complicated than that. At least it appeared that way to me. One can only understand something when presented with the opportunity to do so. I believed I would never really get the chance to understand this book, to know it's real story. I wasn't sure how I felt about that.

You see, one can only understand something if given the opportunity to do so. I didn’t think that this particular book was ever going to reveal enough of itself for me to ever understand it completely. The missing pages would always be missing, and it would be a part of the story that I would always wonder about.

Regardless it didn’t stop me from wanting to spend my time reading it, I liked the book and enjoyed its words, I liked the way I felt whenever I was able to spend time lost within whatever piece of the story I was reading.

I wasn’t sure how long I would have the book, I only knew that someday it would move on to another reader, I wanted to believe that the book would someday find its way into the hands of someone that it would trust and be able to open up to and reveal itself, I knew in my heart that the book would not chose me.

Although a bit sad at the thought of the book no longer being a part of my life, I couldn’t help but be thankful that the book had found its way into my hands. I learned many things about myself, things that changed the way I viewed life. I learned to think less and live more, to know the limits, but not be afraid to go beyond them, for when you do there is a world filled with excitement and fulfillment beyond anything you can imagine.

a song that reminds him of us

Blue Jeans And A Rosary lyrics

All my life I've been searchin'
All my life I've been uncertain
I been abandoned and left alone
At fifteen I had to leave home
The black sheep, the bad seed

At a roadside bar in Tennessee
I met an angel to rescue me
She rescued me
She wore blue jeans and a rosary
Believed in God and believed in me
All her friends think she's a little crazy
She wears a smile, heart on her sleeve
Don't give a damn what the world thinks of me
She tells me it's all good
She's happy with a bad seed
Happy to be misunderstood

Two packs and a pint a day
To hide the shame
And wash away the pain
Aww the pain
Every road was a dead-end street
Runnin' from the law
And runnin' on empty
You couldn't shake the marks that were left on me

At a roadside bar in Tennessee
I met an angel to rescue me
She rescued me

She wore blue jeans and a rosary
Believed in God and believed in me
All her friends think she's a little crazy
She wears a smile, heart on her sleeve
Don't give a damn what the world thinks of me
She tells me it's all good
She's happy with a bad seed
Happy to be misunderstood

[Repeat]

Misunderstood
Misunderstood

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

Urban Dictionary defines FWB in many ways, I found the definitions to be both funny and enlightening.
Here are 2 definitions that I found to be particularly interesting. Now of course when I look at these definitions, I cant help but compare it to my "friendship" with 007. Especially in light of the recent cat sack incident. sooooo....



A healthy, fun sexual relationship between two people......
Until one falls for the other, The friendship blows to
pieces. And those two people find themselves worse off than
they were before.



Two friends who have a sexual relationship without being emotionally involved. Typically two good friends who have casual sex without a monogamous relationship or any kind of commitment


hmmmm.... what's wrong with that? Doesn't sound like a bad thing now does it? 2 friends not emotionally involved having a good time together, what could be wrong with that? well one would think there would be nothing wrong with that as long as both parties are able to keep the "friendship" casual and commitment free. but what if one is not able to do that? what if one of the 2 is unable to stay emotionally uninvolved... what if one of the 2 develops feelings beyond just FWB's?
Do you then jump to the first definition in that the friendship will now blow to pieces? Are you worse off then before? Is the friendship doomed to failure? Maybe! Can a casual relationship survive, if one person has moved past just being casual? What if there was the ability to keep those feelings in check, that she was able to contain those feelings, keep them to herself..(and I am saying she here because I believe in most FWB situations, it is the woman that will, in my opinion be the one to fall for the man) so back to what I was saying... if she is able to control her feelings, able to keep them to herself, is she shortchanging herself? Is she settling for less than she is worth? What if She is ok with it, what does that say about her? Does it mean she values herself less? or is that she doesn't really know what she wants at this moment, and she's exploring a different path than what has been the norm for her? is there anything wrong with being unsure of what you want? I dont think so, but what if what you are unsure about is exactly what you want? Am I even making any sense today? (Do I ever really make sense to anyone but me? probably not.. ) So, at what point does she make a decision to share those feelings? Does she throw it out there and hope the feelings are returned? Does she eventually just move on once she has decided what she wants in her life? Seems like an easy decision you would think right, but now she is emotionally involved which means, well as long as he is ok with the situation, she will most likely stay. So where does that leave me with 007, it leaves me right where I was a few weeks ago.... see heartbreak blog below.

If I could say the words I would say.....

comfortable
casual
safe
shivers
desire
uninhibited
heartfelt
thoughts
fantasies
soft
passionate
falling
unsure
curious
intimate
heavenly
afraid
loving
belonging
attracted
sharing
forever

Life is good, so when does it all fall apart?

I can't believe that I don't have one single thing in life to complain about, I mean it. NOTHING! Everything in my life seems to be going just perfect. I keep waiting for it to fall apart. My family is healthy and happy, my job is going GREAT! No complaints in the dating life, (next blog about that) so i just keep looking behind me, thinking its all going to come from behind me and knock me on my behind.
I guess I should just enjoy it, live it and love it! Who knows how long it will last.

just something to think about

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.

gilda radner

Headed For a Heartbreak

Have you ever walked into something knowing that the outcome wasn't going to be a good one? Looked at a situation and said hmmmm.... this isn't going to end well! That's how I feel right now. I have been spending more time with a certain someone, not only more time, but having more conversations, letting him into my thoughts, and unfortunately feeling things for him I don't quite understand. If you knew him, you would understand why it's so difficult NOT to fall for him. He's perfect, and I don't mean perfect without flaws, I mean just perfect in the sense that he knows how to treat a woman, and not just any woman, but me, he listens to what your needs are and then he makes every effort to meet them, and not in an obvious way, not like he's trying to hard, it just comes natural to him to make me feel amazing. We spent the night together Friday, and being next to him all night is so comforting, I miss that, the intimacy you have with someone in the middle of the night, you know all those things, foot over theirs, holding hands, snuggled up. I could barely sleep, I just wanted to enjoy it, to enjoy him lying there next to me, and it wasn't that I was just lost in the intimacy, I was getting lost in him. And getting lost in someone is a scary place to be. Of course the oh my goodnessing is always amazing, the way he touches me, the way my body responds to him and his touch, the way he kisses me. The conversation is always good, and the laughter, inside jokes are still my favorite thing about him. But prior to all that we were out dancing on Friday night, and we we're dancing to a slow song, and I looked up at him, looked in his eyes, he slowly kissed me and I knew in that one moment that he would inevitably and unintentionally shatter my heart one day.

Is that his fault, no.. not at all. I could walk away, I could try to keep my feelings in check, keep from feelings things for him neither of us wants. but I won't do any of those, I will just enjoy every minute I spend with him, I will keep the things I feel for him as hidden as I can, and I will know that some day, one day when he is gone from my life, and my heart is aching, that he was worth the price of admission.

Here You Come Again

Here you come again
Just when I've begun
To get myself together
You waltz right in the door
Just like you've done before
And wrap my heart
'Round your little finger
Here you come again
Just when I'm about
To make it work without you

You look into my eyes
And light those dreamy eyes
And pretty soon I'm wonderin'
How I came to doubt you
All you gotta do
Is smile that smile
And there go all my defenses
Just leave it up to you
And in a little while
You're messin' up my mind
And fillin' up my senses

Here you come again
Lookin' better than a body
Has a right to
And shakin' me up so
That all I really know
Is here you come again