Wondering to the man on the moon...

Dear Mr. Moon,

I wonder if you have ever known the pain of watching your child battle within. To know that you can not help her, to know that she is just outside your reach. I wonder if you know the heartache of the words hurled at you, of the look that is given you. I wonder if you know the feeling of watching the one you love more than life itself slip from your fingertips, the helpless feeling that there is nothing there to grab onto to keep her from going.

I wonder if you know what it feels like to not know, to wait for answers. I wonder if you know what it is like to wonder if you are truly able to handle anything that may come your way. To wonder if you are strong enough to face whatever answer you may be given. To be strong not only yourself but for those around you. I wonder if you know what it is like to be afraid.

I wonder if you know what it is like to be uncertain. To know what you want and to not be sure you can attain it. To exist in a world that is unfamiliar. I wonder if you could be sure enough to reach for more, or would you settle for less? I wonder if you could, would you stay on the journey, or would you seek a different destination? I wonder if you knew all the answers and you could, would you tell me? If you could quiet my mind, heal my heart and give me strength, would you?

Good Night Moon.

Old Friends and New Numbers

What a long week, I was happy to see Friday arrive. A few days off will be nice. I am looking forward to the plans I have made for the entire weekend. It should be interesting indeed. A blog for another day I am sure.

I ran into an old friend today at the bank. Ok maybe not so much an old friend as in a guy I used to date a long time ago. He was a nice guy, and well that was probably his downfall. Poor guy. And it didn't help that he was also during the Rob era and well, anyone I met then met with the same fate, one date and never to be called again. A casualty of a time when I wished I knew now what I knew then. This guy however had actually made it to 3 dates before he was sadly removed from my social calender. I had a bit of a wait at the bank and enjoyed a lovely conversation, he said he had wondered why I kept saying no to his requests for another date, then he said he had seen Rob and I out one night, and he figured that was the reason. Oh that era of my life, and the lessons I have learned from it. Imagine what my life would be like now had I not gone down that road. Then again, I would not have a few of the friends that I have now had I not. I guess everything is an exchange for something else.

So we stood there and talked for about 30 min, his daughter is now 16 and we shared driving stories. It was casual conversation, no awkwardness, and it was easy. He said he had seen me a few times downtown recently, but hadn't said anything. He figured I was probably married and blissfully happy by now. I held up my left hand. :) He asked if I wanted to grab lunch sometime, and quickly wrote down his number on a deposit slip told me to give him a call and then walked out as I walked up to the teller.

So what do I do with that? My thoughts immediately went to Bond. I haven't really dated anyone since he has been in the picture. I am not very good at dating multiple people. And my feelings for Bond keep me from really dating anyone else. I did a long time ago, but I would then compare to the way I felt when I was with him, and if it didn't compare, they didn't get a second date. Isn't that absolutely insane? How can a man have that much power? Oh I know, because I allow it. What is wrong with me? Crazy girl!! :)

So here the phone number sits in my purse, I did not put it into my phone, I did not say yes I would call him. What do I do with it? I know what I would like to have with Bond, and I don't know that it will ever be possible. Do I need to stop the bus, get off and look for someone that will be able to some day (not today or tomorrow) be able to give me all the things I need? Do I hold out hope there will be some magical, change of behavior and feelings? What to do? What to do?

Well I better get going, I am having dinner with Mr. Bond this evening, and I must get in the shower and get ready.

Can tomorrow hurry and get here. I am headed up to have some "Marcos" therapy tomorrow, an afternoon in Midtown, Italian food for dinner and Ricks for dessert. There is nothing like a little "Hollie and Marcos" to distract me from the past few weeks. Then we are off to Minneapolis for a work thing. I even had to pack the "alley" dress for a dinner we are going to on Tuesday night, I haven't been to a summer meeting in a few years, I can not wait to see everyone. And how F.A.G is it that "Marcos" and I are going together. Fun times for sure!

I bought tickets today to a Shinedown/Sick Puppies concert. I am super excited. Aeri and I will be going together. I hadn't heard of the other two bands that are going to be there, so I checked them out on I tunes and ended up buying their albums. I love love love new music. Maybe you have heard of them, Cavo and Adelitas Way. Good Stuff. If not, check them out.

Other than that, playing a waiting game on some news, still praying to Baby Jesus for a miracle and getting geared up for holiday. Isn't funny that most people don't think about Christmas until December, and I start thinking about in July. It is such a crazy time for me at work, last year I worked so many long days and days and days in row. I had considered putting a bed in the studio so I could sleep there. Although I think this year will be different, new studio, fantastic staff, and the best support system a girl could ask for.

Well I am off to cook dinner, finish packing, and get Snooken's ready to go to her dads for the week

just a bit of nothing

Well what a week it has been. I will say a bit quieter and less chaotic than the week before. I am thankful for that for sure, although I am a firm believer in what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. I have spent the better part of the week trying to refocus and make some pretty important decisions based on the happenings from the week before. Decisions that will bring change to your life are never easy ones to make. Especially when it is every area of your life that needs change.
I also found a new spot to blog. It is actually a blogging community, kind of cool. I moved parts of this blog over there and I have to say that I kind of like the new place. It is quite a bit different than here, and I already have a list of friends and have chatted with some pretty cool people. I don't think I will delete this blog, over the last 9 months it has given me a place to release all those random thoughts that are roaming around chaotically in my mind. It's familiar and I am sure I will still post here.
So this week something happened, and I know I am not going crazy, and I know what I saw on sunday and what I didn't see on friday. I know I haven't lost my mind. But now I don't know what to do with it. An explanation was given, but I know what I saw. But it caused a reaction in me I wasn't quite prepared for. Something happened yesterday that I thought would never happen. I saw the situation and the people involved in a new light. I took off the rose colored glasses and really looked at everything from start to finish. boy, did I see things completely different, including myself.
So now where do I go from here, what decisions are the right ones to make? Who am I kidding, I know me... and I know the decisions were already made for me.

A Mental Checklist

I don't want to be lied to

I like honesty and trust

I don't want to move in with anyone anytime soon

I like my own space

I don't want to get married today or tomorrow

I like taking time to get to know someone

I don't want to be someone's dirty little secret

I like being able to be apart of someone's world

I don't want to be told what you think I want to hear

I like reality better than fantasy

I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life

I like the idea of sharing my life with someone someday

I don't like the unknown

I like to have an idea of what is actually happening

I don't like feeling unsettled and unsure

I like comfort and security

I don't like sleepless nights

I like curling up and drifting off peacefully

I don't like circling around the question

I like direct answers I can understand

I don't want to know everything

I like a little bit of mystery

I don't want to miss out on something great

How do you tell the truth...when you know they are telling lies

How do you come out and tell someone you know they have been lying to you, especially when you shouldn't know about the truth? How do you tell them you are aware of the dishonesty when they have no idea you know the facts? Maybe you stumbled across the truth unintentionally, found it when you weren't looking. Maybe someone else led you to it, maybe it was them that led you to it. Maybe you just happen to be at the right place at the right time to see it for yourself. Doesn't matter how you got to it, the fact is you know.
Do you have a right to confront the untruth based on the new found facts? How do you even bring it up? If the lies are trivial does it really matter? Little white lies. Or is the fact that the little white lies exist make you wonder what bigger untruths there are. Do you begin to question everything that is said from that point on, try to distinguish whats real and whats not?
And why lie about anything? Do I need to look within myself and see what would make a person lie to me? What need was there to automatically be dishonest? Am I that irrational and easily angered that one would need to give untruths rather than truths?
Now I am not saying that I haven't told a lie or two in my time, but it has been to protect someone, it did not cause any harm, nor was it for the purpose of deceiving someone. I am not saying that makes it right, I am merely suggesting there may be a difference.
Now I am not talking about kids being kids, I am speaking about adults. Grown adults that know the difference, who make a conscious effort to be deceitful.
So what to do, what to do.... that is where I am right now.

Sometimes the lyrics say it better than I can.

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze, and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go
Can't do it alone
I've tried, but I don't know why

Slow it down, make it stop
Or else my heart is going to pop
'Cause its to much, yeah its a lot
To be something I'm not

I'm a fool, out of love
'Cause I just can't get enough

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze, and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go
Can't do it alone
I've tried, but I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down
I know, I've got to let it go

And just enjoy the show

The sun is hot in the sky
Just like a giant spot light
The people follow the signs
And synchronize in time

It's a joke, nobody knows
they've got a ticket to the
show.

Yeah, I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze, and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go
Can't do it alone
I've tried, but I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down
I know, I've got to let it go

And just enjoy the show

Just enjoy the show
I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze, and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go
Can't do it alone
I've tried, but I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down
I know, I've got to let it go

And just enjoy the show

Can you see the writing on the wall?

My mind is a mess of thoughts, trying to make some decisions, trying to sort out some things. I had composed this blog in my mind as I drove home tonight, but then as I sit here I can't for the life of me remember what I had composed. What else is new.

I started a new blog, posting the letters I had recently written to Bond as well as his replies, but really it is just Bond being his normal vague self. He doesn't really answer the questions I ask. He doesn't really give me the answers I need. I guess I should have expected that. Someone left a nasty comment, but I did not post it, I deleted it. I have no idea who it was from, it was an anonymous comment. But the comment said that maybe what I needed to do was take a look at the lack of answers from Bond, combined with the fact that he has not invited me into his life at all, and see it as the writing on the wall. Interesting comment, something to think about. Could that be the case? Should I think of the lack of answers, the lack of invitation into his life as the "writing on the wall?" How did I not think of that? Should I be looking at what he is NOT saying as more of an answer to my questions? When we first discussed the letter I had written to Bond, he had said I may learn a few things about him based on his reply, but really I don't think I learned anything at all. I keep re reading them to see if there is something I missed, some clue to something new, but I can not find it.

We all know how I feel about Bond, I have not said anything to him, but somehow I am sure he knows, but I will not come out and say it. I almost sent him how I really feel in letter 2, but how can I? He says I feel what I feel and it is not his place to convince me otherwise, but if he does not welcome my feelings, then why not discourage them? Why not re establish the rules of the friendship and state the "what exactly we are" again. I don't ever pretend to know what goes on in his mind, what thoughts he has. And I ask, but get answers that only lead to more questions.

So ultimately the decision comes down to me, what can I accept, what can I live with, Have I in fact gone past what he is able to give me? Am I at a place where I want more from him? Is it time to re evaluate and move on? Do I stay and always wonder what I missed waiting for him to feel for me something he wont ever? Do I enjoy the raindrops and quit thinking about the ones I am missing? A good friend of mine suggested I just spill it all to him, tell him exactly how I feel and then "let the cards lie where they fall."

Maybe that's what I need to do...erase the writing on the wall and put my own up there for him to see.

Maybe I spend too much time thinking about all this and really it isn't worth it......

Maybe I just need to go to bed....Good night all!

Hello Moon....Did You Miss Me?

Hello old friend,

It has been a few nights since we have chatted, I find myself unable to sleep tonight and thought maybe I would spend a few min unloading my mind.

It is quiet in my room tonight, no music is playing, my 4yr old nephew is here, and I don't want to disturb him, although I believe he was so tired that nothing could wake him.

My mind is definitley in full swing tonight, there is quite a bit mulling around in there. but wherever do I start?

Mr. Bond was here on sunday evening, and he downloaded some sounds of rain onto my computer for me to listen to while I am sleeping. Very thoughtful of him, or he just wants to make sure I have something that will replace him in helping me sleep. :) haha. Anyhow the very NICE guesssture did indeed work, I love the sound of the rain, and find it very comforting. So as it played through the night, I heard nothing outside and was able to sleep through. Of course having Mr. Bond laying next to me helped a bit as well.

Its so funny how in the beginning I was not able to sleep at all when he stayed the night, I would lie awake most of the night while he was here. Now, he is what helps me drift into a peaceful nights sleep.

Bond and I took my nephew to the skate park the other night, my first experience taking him was not so great, but I wanted to try again, as I knew he would enjoy it once he overcame his fear. Bond had offered the last time to show him how, but my nephew was going home before he would return from his mission abroad. So when I picked up my nephew, I asked Bond if he had some free time to meet, and he agreed to meet that night.

Bond took him to the top of the ramp and proceeded to sit on the scooter he had brought himself and go down, to show my nephew it was ok, then they went down on their bottoms side by side, what a sight. Next my nephew went down by himself. A little bit of fear, but a willingness to try. Next thing you know my nephew is zipping around, like he had been doing it all alone for months, and there was Bond, encouraging him for everything. I can't begin to tell you how adorable that made Bond. :) A different side of him for sure. I took a few pictures, and even managed to get one of Bond and my nephew together, my 2 favorite men. I don't know that I will print it out, Bond has made a few comments about being photographed, and as much as I would like to put it on my dresser in my room, I probably wont. :(

I started a new blog yesterday, a back and forth of letters between Bond and I. Not sure yet what I think about the whole thing, but I do enoy the banter back and forth between Mr. Bond and I.

Well my eyes are getting heavy and I think I am finally tired.

Good Night Moon

The Truth Shall Set Me Free

How much truth does one share? If what we need to say could possibly hurt another should we keep it to ourselves? If what we feel or think is not what someone wants to hear, should we in fact change what we say to fit what we think they want to hear?
Are we obligated by our relationships with people to with hold information, change the details, leave out the facts, just to keep them in our life?

Do we look at the big picture and decide for them, without their knowledge what they deserve to know and what they don't? Are we afraid of the outcome if we speak our mind and say what we are really thinking? Are we afraid to hurt their feelings, or anger them? What if the truth could change your relationship/friendship? Does that mean you do not speak it?

There was a time long ago that I was terrified of the truth, of knowing the facts, to face the details. But not anymore, I believe in knowledge there is power, the power to make your own decisions, rather than having someone make them for you. Hindsight is 20/20 and I can't change the past, but I can hope for honesty in the future.

Because in honesty I will find peace, and the truth shall set me free.

Who She Is!

She is a girl who has made many mistakes and many bad choices, but learned valuable lessons from them, and she is determined to never make the same mistakes twice. She has forgiven herself and others, but doesn't allow herself to forget. She questions everything, verbally and sometimes only in thought, not because she is defiant, but because it helps her survive, in knowing, she can protect herself if need be. She is independent, not because she wants to be, but because she has to be. She doesn't know how to be any other way. She is kind hearted, passionate and compassionate. She is faithful, loyal but trusts only to an extent. She is smarter than people think and more observant than one would believe. She has loved unconditionally once, but doesn't know if she could ever do it again, but hopes she will. She is tender hearted and has been accused of wearing it on her sleeve. She came from a broken home, and a life filled with chaos, as such she needs to have structure and rules in her life, she needs to know whats expected of her, and where the lines are drawn, it makes her feel safe, but she knows sometimes she has taken it to the extreme. She works hard, and she believes in a good work ethic. She values family and friends, and believes that she has been blessed with the best of friends to make up for the lack of family and she cherishes those friendships even more because of it. She is optimistic, and tries not to complain, life could be worse, she knows this, because she has lived it. She has a sense of humor, and feels laughter is true medicine for the soul. She is curious, but never for selfish reason, she is interested and cares. She gets her feelings hurt, too easily she thinks, but doesn't like to show it, it frustrates her to be so sensitive. She is emotional, and feels hurt for those that hurt. She cries easily, too easily. She is impatient, and believes its one of her biggest weaknesses. She is argumentative and likes to have the last word. She is a mom first and foremost, and sometimes she forgets she is more than that. She sacrafices part of her life for her children, but doesn't see it as a sacrifice, they are first in her heart and mind. She wishes she had a better relationship with her mother, and she longs for the approval and acceptance of her mother even at this age, and is hurt that she doesn't have it, but she knows she can't change it and makes sure her children never feel the same way. She is a little girl at heart, loves the simple things in life and prefers the gift of someones time more so than something they could ever buy for her. She is sentimental, and keeps silly things to remind her of the memories. She doesn't take risks, she normally plays it this side of safe. She is ridiculous and random, and says things that don't always make sense, but she can laugh at herself. She is girly and loves to be feminine. She can get dirty if need be, and can feel sexy in a pair of jeans as much as in a low cut dress. She loves Tiffany's little blue boxes and white bows, and a hand made card on any day more than one bought. She expects very little from people, so she can be surprised when they come through and not so disappointed when they don't.

She is all these things and more.... She is a simple girl made up of complex things.

Oogles Of Googles

I can honestly say that up until a few months ago, I had never googled anyone. I hadn't thought of the concept until someone said they had googled me. hmmmm... what does one find out about someone else when they google them. Curious by nature, I had to know.

So when I set out on my search I had no idea what information I might find, I will say I was surprised by what I happened upon, the intranet is an interesting thing, because at the push of a button you can find out just about anything on a wide variety of subjects or people. You can search by name, by email, by screen name, topics, phrases, words, it is ridiculous. You can get articles, images, past history, addresses, phone numbers, people related, anything right there in the comfort of your own home.

Now I think it is important to mention here, that I am not some stalker girl, using information gained for some random acts of craziness. I have always had a bit of information at my fingertips, but what one chooses to do with that information says something about them I think. What did I do with my new found information? Nothing, absolutely nothing. Not everyone has a hidden agenda, not everyone seeks to destroy.

So with patience I waited for the source to reveal the information personally. Although I think it is easy to secretly search for answers, I believe whole heartedly if you want to know something, you should go directly to the source, you see, information can be enlightening, it can teach you things, it can be powerful, but it can also be confusing. And when you go to the source, it's alot easier to keep from getting it all mixed up.

Now you might say that answering one question only brings more questions, but at the end of the day is it really so wrong to want to learn more about the ones you care about? I don't think so, but that's just my opinion, yours may be different.

I came, I searched, I saw..... I will seek no more. I like my information a whole lot more when it is delivered personally via a funny story, a moment of tell me something I don't know, during conversation, or just while listening. Much more meaningful that way... at least I think so.


more

drunk texting should be illegal.

So here I am still awake, why? because my phone keeps going off, I thought at first it was just a random face book update, but then when it didn't stop I figured I'd better make sure it wasn't an emergency. Nope... just a drunk texter... ugh! There is something incredibly irritating about drunk texts, first of all, the texts rarely make sense, words are misspelled, takes 3 texts to send 5 words, but most of all the person really thinks you want to know what they have to tell you. In this case that couldn't be farther from the truth. I have no desire to know that you still think about me, that you wish things could be different, that you know you made the wrong decision, that you are sorry. I've heard it all before, many times, at many different hours, by text, by email, by song lyrics, the message is always the same, and my answer is always the same... that was a long time ago, and I am much better off now. I send a quick text in response that simply says " are you sure you wouldn't rather be texting her instead?" It usually does the trick. Not tonight, tonight he has much to say about alot of things, I don't answer, as I do not want to encourage the texts, and eventually I just turn my phone off. Alcohol induced discoveries about the past are never a good thing. So what do I do with that? What do I say anymore? I understand where the feelings are coming from, I felt them once so many years ago, but I do not feel that way anymore. The decision to leave although not mine was the best decision for everyone involved. Why can't the past just stay in the past? and why must the past pick up a phone and try to have a one sided alcohol induced conversation?

change is inevitable

So he says he notices a change, aware that a transformation of some sort has taken place. I wont deny that there has been a bit of a change lately, but I don't think it is the change he describes. At some point the nervousness must be replaced with some confidence, or a sense of being comfortable when with him. I think that is where the change has occurred.
I am still amazed by what he does to me, what I feel when I am with him, and still completely amazed that he wants to spend his time with me. That hasn't changed at all. What has been added is a true appreciation for how he makes me feel when we are together. The 2 have now been combined, because before I was just in awe of what my body was capable of when with him, now within that amazement is an appreciation for creating that awe.
But with more time spent together I have become a little bit more comfortable, a little bit more at ease. Not a whole lot more, but enough to get noticed I guess.

A Beautiful Book, A Complicated Story

I came across an interesting book sometime ago.. I found it while I was just finishing another book, but there was something different about this book something that immediately piqued my interest.

The cover was beautiful, the pages of the book were like no other I had ever seen, they were in good condition, yet you could tell they had seen a lifetime of living, a little used, a little worn, a little rough around the edges. A few of the pages appeared to be torn out, but that didn't matter to me, just looking at the book, I could tell it had soul and it's story would be like no other I had ever experienced.

As I began to delve into this book, I became more and more enthralled with it. I was mesmerized by the words, and as I moved from page to page, I began to appreciate the book and its story even more.

But this wasn't an easy book to read, sometimes the words were complicated and confusing. The more I tried to get the story, the more frustrated I became.

Then life did what it always does and it became busy. Maybe the book had lost it's hold on me, or maybe I lost my hold on it, but for whatever reason, the book was set aside. And even though it was out of site, something about the story it held had captivated me.

I wondered if I would ever really know the story, ever understand it completely. I wondered if I would ever pick the book up again, to hold it in my hands, feel its pages at my finger tips. I believed the book was a good one, one that had meaning.

Time passed and the book stayed in my mind, it's complicated story bringing questions I had no answers to. I never could quite get that book out of my thoughts, but what was it about it, what about that book had stayed with me? What made that book so much more than any other book I had ever read?

And then one day out of the blue, the book somehow found it's way back into my hands. This time it was different for me, this time I would truly understand it's meaning, be determined to know it's story.

As I looked at the book, and my eyes scanned the pages, I really began to see it differently. To feel the words, and the meaning behind them. I kept telling myself this story was unique, this story was going to have the sort of effect on my life that even if I never read the story again, I would forever be changed by it.

I spent as much time with this book as I could, learning as I went from page to page. Sometimes the story was sad, and my heart ached, other times it filled me with so much laughter, tears would stream down my face, but regardless, it stayed with me, near in my mind, even when I wasn't reading it.

The more I read, the more questions I had. Questions about it's beginning, the torn pages from the book. I sought out the answers but little information could be found. I continued to read, and slowly but surely I found a few answers, hidden in paragraphs, revealed in pages. I learned if I quietly waited, the story would unfold and open up to me, the words would become clear.

As I wandered from page to page, I never quite knew what to expect, what the story may or may not reveal to me. I was sometimes impatient, wanting more than the story was willing to share. I wanted to skip ahead pages and other times I wanted to go back and re read pages. I tried to figure out why this particular story had such a hold on me. How this story could find itself at the center of my thoughts, distracting me from my everyday life.

As time went on I realized that as much as I tried to understand the story, I couldn't. It wasn't because I was not capable of understanding, or that I didn't want to, it was a little more complicated than that. At least it appeared that way to me. One can only understand something when presented with the opportunity to do so. I believed I would never really get the chance to understand this book, to know it's real story. I wasn't sure how I felt about that.

You see, one can only understand something if given the opportunity to do so. I didn’t think that this particular book was ever going to reveal enough of itself for me to ever understand it completely. The missing pages would always be missing, and it would be a part of the story that I would always wonder about.

Regardless it didn’t stop me from wanting to spend my time reading it, I liked the book and enjoyed its words, I liked the way I felt whenever I was able to spend time lost within whatever piece of the story I was reading.

I wasn’t sure how long I would have the book, I only knew that someday it would move on to another reader, I wanted to believe that the book would someday find its way into the hands of someone that it would trust and be able to open up to and reveal itself, I knew in my heart that the book would not chose me.

Although a bit sad at the thought of the book no longer being a part of my life, I couldn’t help but be thankful that the book had found its way into my hands. I learned many things about myself, things that changed the way I viewed life. I learned to think less and live more, to know the limits, but not be afraid to go beyond them, for when you do there is a world filled with excitement and fulfillment beyond anything you can imagine.